Conflicts between siblings are inevitable. While many of the more hair-raising fights might center on toys, insults, or general bad behavior, more subtle ones will occur as siblings vie for parental attention, approval, and validation. But no matter what the cause, yelling, kicking, scratching, name-calling, or having rolling-on-the floor brawls are all unacceptable behaviors which probably break your heart.
As a parent, what can you do when siblings don’t get along?
Avoid Problems By Anticipating Them
The swiftest and easiest way to lessen conflicts is to anticipate the triggers and then minimize them.
For example, if your kids get hangry before dinner, arrange for them to play in different rooms in the hour before the meal. If there’s a particular toy or game that can’t be shared but both adore, set up a schedule when each is allowed possession. If certain board games always end up with pieces flying and tables overturned, take them away until your children learn better conflict management skills.
Teach Them To Understand Their Emotions
Tantrums aren’t confined to toddlers, and many five-, six-, and seven-year-olds still struggle to contain and control their fluxing emotions.
Control begins with self-knowledge, so pointing out when your child is angry, jealous, or frustrated helps to put a label on the feeling. Acknowledging their anger makes it easier for them to accept that the feelings are real, valid, and perfectly normal.
What isn’t acceptable is letting the emotion overcome them so they lash out with fists, feet, or harsh words. This is the behavior that needs discipline.
Develop Conflict Resolution Skills
Once a child understands his emotions, he’s more likely to control them in socially acceptable ways.
As a parent, you can help by teaching conflict resolution skills. If two siblings want to play with a toy, teach them to use a timer in order to take equal turns. If children tend to grab toys away, give them the language they need to ask. Offering up phrases like “May I have a turn now?” and “I’m playing with this now, but you can have it next” gives them language tools they can use before the moment becomes heated.
Divide Attention Equally
Some children simply demand more attention than others, but it’s important to strive to give each child individual attention in as equal measures as possible, to avoid jealousy and resentment. Listening to each of their individual needs makes them feel heard, understood, and loved.
Avoid Labels
Phrases like “she’s the black sheep in the family,” “he’s the troublemaker,” or “she’s the brainy one” can only lead to resentment. Labels tend to stick, and siblings who find themselves spoken of so will either rebel against them or embrace the tag, making a bad label a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Step In Only When Necessary
If fists are flying, parental intervention is definitely necessary. But if siblings are just arguing, it’s often wiser to give them the space to work it out, so long as the conflict stays within acceptable verbal bounds. Stepping in to determine who was at fault can lead to wrong conclusions and charges of favoritism. Given a bit of leeway, your children may surprise you and work it out themselves.
Model Good Conflict Resolution
You are your kids’ best example of peaceful co-habitation, so it’s important that you model good conflict resolution, as well. Remember that using disparaging language, yelling, and brooding is unhealthy. If you don’t want to see your kids behaving in that way, then make sure you don’t, either.
